Tuesday, December 15, 2015

The Plot of Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

Hi Everybody!

Disclaimer: This is fake (it should be obvious, but you know, I have to warn people so they don't freak out and/or hurl themselves off a bridge. I mean, if you're into that kind of thing, to each his own. Just don't do it because of this post. That's all I'm saying).

The Plot for Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Awakens

The opening scrawl text:

It is a period of mass confusion. After the EVIL EMPIRE mistakenly hires a black stormtrooper, bigots across the galaxy force them (haha, get it, force?) to legally change their name to "The First Order".
 Meanwhile, SOMEONE ELSE write Darth Vader fanfiction to himself while he designs a new hilted lightsaber and tries to track down the elusive Luke Skywalker, primarily for tax fraud and unpaid parking tickets.

Now, armed with only her wit and actually quite a few allies and weapons, REY must answer the question that has the entire galaxy reeling: "How can I resurrect Jar Jar Binks?"

Following the opening scrawl, we see a tie fighter on fire crash into some desert planet that totally isn't Tatooine. Finn pops out and he glares at the camera for a bit before meeting Rey, the 5th female in the galaxy. They get hunted by some explosions, until finally they meet some old guy in the desert who no longer uses his real name because either he's senile or being pointedly obtuse (I mean really, who would choose to name themselves "Ben"? Have you ever met a Ben? They aren't hermits. Maybe he was avoiding the space police for chopping off too many arms in bars...).

One of his many victims [2]

They narrowly escape Darth Whatever (Kylo Ren? Seriously? WTF man?) and get off world in something called an Aluminum Falcon (see Robot Chicken). There they meet a senile old man and his walking carpet. The senile old man rants about how terrible the "creator" was, while Finn and Rey wonder why he does it off camera.

If it's not in Lego form during the movie, I'll be quite disappointed [3]

A bunch of stuff happens with some space battles, and some lasers, and at some point there's some lava.

Then the climax happens (way too early, but this is Star Wars, so the last half of the movie will be a gi-fucking-gantic space battle/land battle/lightsaber duel/rock ballad (I added that last one for pzazz). Kylo Ren tracks down Luke Skywalker, who has started his own marionette theater with Jar Jar Binks (Corellians get it free on Tuesdays). Jar Jar unleashes his terrible fury on Kylo while Luke sits in a lawn chair (excuse me, space lawn chair) and watches.

Then Han dies.

He's wanted this for a long time [4]

Oh and I forgot about the literally dozens of other confirmed cast members. They're all in there too. Doing flips and shit.

And Andy Serkis probably plays Space Gollum.

Then we get a cheesy "Star Wars will return in Star Wars Episode VIII: Star Wars-er" at the end of the credits. But not before we get a few candid shots of money overflowing from J. J. Abrams's house (literally overflowing, like hardcore spillage into the nearby streets, gutters, and lawn gnomes (because you know JJ loves him some lawn gnomes)).

Yep [5]

That's the plot.*

I swear this is all 100% accurate.**

Until next time,


*That's not the plot

**Seriously though, "Ben Kenobi"? Come on...

***Where did I come from? No one referenced me up there...

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