Wednesday, January 28, 2015

The Plot for Transformers 5

I recently had the misfortune of watching Transformers 4, and I have my own ideas for the plot of Transformers 5:

Transformers 5: Electric Boogaloo 

(Minor spoilers for Transformers 4 ahead maybe, but really, who cares?)

The movie opens several years after Transformers 4, with Cade (Mark Walhberg) now a washed up former rapper and his daughter Tessa (Nicola Peltz) an aspiring actress who butchered a beloved franchise movie adaptation. They decide to go look for their good old pal Optimus Prime, who's off battling some giant robot in space for 20 minutes during the opening credits for no explained reason.

Meanwhile, Mr. Evil Business Man (played by Who Cares) is plotting to steal the world's source of robot pornography (possible movie title, Transformers: Robot Porn). Obviously the all male Transformers team will have to do his bidding to get it back!

Meanwhiler, Mr. Evil Robot (Non Megatron) flies into Earth's Atmosphere with a gigantic space whale and an X-Wing. He's trying to kill Optimus to become the one true king of the robots to prove to his robot father than he earned his family name (which is never mentioned).

The humans spend 30 minutes digging up clues on how to find the Autobots, with several gratuitous car chases, cleavage shots, and inexplicable explosions. Finally, they are attacked by Megatron and a few Megatron clones. Optimus and the Autobots show up to save the humans and deliver crucial plot information: Megatron has created a device to resurrect dead robots (himself included, probably) and also cloning.

This is not war. It's a money tree.

Optimus, for no reason, says "I would never say 'Decipticons, Roll Out!' ", just so they have that soundbite for the trailer.

The good guys talk to Mr. Evil Business Man (who they think is Mr. Good Business Man, despite his goatee) and they almost stumble upon his stash of robot pornography but there's a lengthy sequence of cat and mouse with him shuffling them from room to room (with a legally distinguishable knockoff of Yakety Sax playing).

Optimus is attacked again by the army of Megatron, and he decides to use his time machine (yes, he has one, explained as "I swore never to use it") to stop all this nonsense from happening. They go back in time and recruit a CGI Shia Labeouf to fight Megatron. Shia Labeouf uses Megatron's robot resurrection and cloning machine to turn himself into a fully function International Space Station Transformer, and a large space battle ensues.

Mr. Evil Robot appears and was secretly working with Mr. Evil Business Man the entire time, and he uses the stash of Robot Porn to convince Optimus to surrender.

Pictured: The amount of Robot Porn I wanted to show [1]

Suddenly, the humans (still on earth because set pieces) are attacked by the US Government (but the agents attacking them are secretly North Koreans (but the North Koreans are secretly being manipulated by Megatron (who is secretly being controlled by the US Government))).

There's a lot more explosions (possible movie title, Transformers: There's a Lot More Explosions).

Like, seriously, a lot more.

And one final big explosion destroys Shia Labeouf-atron, as well as Optimus and a bunch of planets.

But it's okay, because in the after-credits scene shows that Optimus had his clone fight for him, and he's living it up in Robot Aruba with the mountain of Robot Porn.

All other plot is left unresolved for the sequel (shown with "The End?" during the epic rock finale).

Michael Bay, you're welcome.

Until next time,


Images courtesy of Wikipedia except where sourced


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